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Friday, November 04, 2005
was talking to nelson about bad temper, blabla and yes. the most impt ppl, our family, when i decided i should blog something about it. i find they really love us the most lo. sadly, i felt these: the breakdown of communication between me and my family. BECAUSE OF MY TEMPER!
is like my sisters for example, we barely really talk much. i feel sad about it. when i see she's like in some kind of shit, all i do is scold scold scold or sometimes, "backstab" her by telling mum. is like i wanna sit down and talk to her nicely, be her friend, but somehow my temper dont allow me too. this sucks ok?
my youngest sis, she just irritate the hell out of me at times because she's plain lazy and dirty. always messing up my desk or doing disgusting stuff. but dont worry, i know i still love her. but whenever i screamed at her when i saw this disgusting piece of shit on my table, i knew she will hate me for that. but i dont know. i cant control my this sudden rush of anger!
mum, fortunately i am still talking to her. but my temper, as usual is short. is like after being rude to her and everything, i feel guilty and just apologise. of course, she accepted it cause she's nice. but i feel, whats the point of doing it? but somehow, i dont know. i shall try do something about it. but sometimes, i feel that i need my space and errr, maybe like she understand me only to a certain extend. but she's better than dad. is like DUH!
i love my dad. but he's so really damn dont understand me at all! dont know my life or rather trying to trap me up. i am not exactly a perfect lil girl. i sometimes wanna go out with my friends. he allows me, if i asked him in this kind of way, whereby making him feel like a king. he's some typical ego man. i mean, my mum admits that too.
me: "i'm going to a bbq."
-silence-
me" "i go ok? thanks."
-silence-
*i stared at my watch. am running late. decided to stand up and leave,
dad: "why are you standing up? did i agree?"
me: "but i.."
dad: "i never agree so you better sit down first."
is like i am late already lah! mum agreed. but arghhh!! decided to use the "you're the king technique"
me: "please dad"
-silence-
me: "please.."
-silence-
me: "i will sleep early, blablablabalbalaba"
i knew i was lying but...
dad: "ok.. blablabalabalbalabla"
i nodded in agreement. listening attentively (not!)to him. ok lah. please dont misunderstand. i love my dad. just that i cant stand it when i needed that many please, staring at his stern face. i want him to talk to me nicely and in a lesss formal way like my mum!!!
ok. i still love my dad. and always. but he seemed to be more on the bad blood with me as compared to the rest of my family members. i seldom talk to him. i feel very sad about it. it kinda depress me a lil.
i regretted. for making him angry at times. though i cant squeeze that lil sorry out, maybe one day i will. and yes, thru actions show that i do love him.
and my family too. =(
I am bleeding inside.
1:10 AM
